I am not okay
I haven’t been for a long time
But I’m trying to be
Why does it take everything I have to get out of bed in the morning
Why am I always on the verge of tears
It’s as if my body does not have the strength to exist
My shoulders are weak
My back caves in
My core is jelly
My bodily integrity-these skin and bones-shudder at the mere thought of life
I never know when I will begin to decay
It could be the first time in the day that I sense judgement from someone
Everytime someone looks at me for a smidge too long I think they can see everything
As if my existence screams out my insecurities for the world to have at it
I get defensive
I’m never comfortable
I hope for empty streets so I don’t have to have anyone look at me
I realise that it is unlikely that people could sense this much
But when I don’t know something I always assume the worst
I am so disatisfied that I believe everyone must see it
I don’t know when I began to fear people
When I began to see them as things that can make you happy only for a time
Never as long as you want or need
To me any dysfunction is dysfuntional
But that’s not how human relationships work
I search for perfection and fall in and out of love in accordance
I know my own shortcomings but refuse to accept them in others
It’s a disease
I must learn
I must build
Everything of mine
So that I am not afraid
Of getting hurt
Because to be hurt is to live
And the living should not fear a gift
and send 